Aotsuki

i have two things to discuss tonight.

one.

i watched the movie 'Gia' recently, starring Angelina Jolie. It's a very hard movie; in the sense that it hits me right in the face, makes me feel all heavy and broken inside. i'm not the type who cries when it comes to movie scenes. never. but you know what happened. her story was just so sad and tragic.

somehow, i can see myself in her. i never liked being left behind. left alone. when the most special person in the world to me would always leave the country, i would be so upset. and i would cry and miss her and ache every single day she was gone, even if i knew her trip would last for just a week or so. to me, every single day mattered. every single day lasted hours i couldn't bear.

even when friends would leave and forget, i play strong and arrogant. but deep inside, i feel hurt. instead, i busy myself with things that i think should matter more than my feelings. i bury myself with work. and keep in mind and hold things close which are permanent to me. because this has become a habit--- the controlling--- i become blind. and i lose what's actually more important.

two.

i had another fucking dream that scared the shit out of me. nothing paranormal, this time.

i was walking in a dark alley. there was a voice--- smooth, silvery--- talking in the back of my mind. he was narrating something, but a few of his words stuck to me, even as i was awake, lying on my back with my eyes wide open.

"and he was stabbed to death... creatively".

and in my dream, at the end of the alley, i watched a guy circling another man who was lying on the floor. he ran the knife through the unconscious man's violet shirt, tearing it. and tearing his flesh. soon, his shirt was not violet anymore.

it was a sick thing, watching a man murder another.

yes, it's but a dream. yet it feels similarly sick to wake up in terror, and find no one for solace. i lay there for a moment, feeling my heart and waiting for it to slow its pace. when it was calm enough, i stood up and ate lunch. still alone and feeling slightly sick.

~

Even if you cry floods of tears
You're fine as you are, even your weakness
Eventually they'll make a deep sea
And they'll make your heart clear

I hope that as you focus on the phosphorescent light of the last star
Your wish will be heard
I'm sure I can see, I hope I can see
Your irreplaceable smile tomorrow

~

a new ME list! i think it's important that a person discovers new things about themselves. in a way, at least i can say i know myself better. (or pretend to...)

1. i think pianos are very beautiful things. match it with beautiful, long, white fingers. and i think the world can disappear with just that.
2. i know to diagnose myself isn't right, but i think i do have onset insomnia and a little OCD-ness. control freak, in other words.
3. someone described me as (fucking) observant, to the point of almost annoying. because i notice little details some people don't normally see.
4. i love psychiatry and psychology. very interesting stuff. humans are predictable, once you get to study them.
5. i think tamaki hiroshi is very sexy. *drools* (check his picture at this entry. hotness.)
6. i'm not a chocolate person, unlike most people. but i love strawberries. i can eat a whole basket of them in just one sitting. mom has named me her 'princess strawberry shortcake.' (riiight, i'm short. thanks for rubbing it in, mom.)
7. word play is very important to me. i like people who are talk smart. and i like stories and poems, though i'm not so very good at it myself.
8. to drive and cook are my frustrations. others would say that it's very easy to. heck yeah, it's easy if you KNOW how to.
9. i like (and love) certain things that are not good for the body. for example: coffee, coke and junkfood. ehem. and alot more. they make life bearable. and fun!
10. death, to me, is a very interesting thing. not being an emo. but spending time in the hospital alot allows me to watch death come and go. it's a hard experience, but actually, very natural.

so there. if i have mroe stuff, i'll make a new list. this is getting really fun. ah!

+1 more. number 11. i'm addicted to hands. i like looking at my hands alot. and i like looking at other people's hands. all with 5 fingers, yet different... by the way they look. by the way they feel.

~

i laughed so hard, i thought i would choke. i don't know what it is with people. why do they draw too much attention on themselves? to be in the limelight... is that what really matters? like, what the fuck is wrong with you? if you think you're going to catch MY attention, geez. all your efforts are useless. to capture my full attention, talk to me; sound smart; smile. to me, that is charming. i don't need some ass who thinks "i'm so fucking special because..."

oh god. grow up, you.

i'm not going to dwell on what father's day was for us. it was all about role-playing. get the idea?

i told myself even that i'm not going to cry anymore. that i'm going to chain that upsetting emotion away from my limbic system. but after that talk with auntz, there was this... feeling. one that i don't recognize as much anymore. it was heavy. it made my eyes hot... cry, i did. escape, i did. kill myself again a bit, i did.

i hate ,hate, HATE, fucking hate people who try to be me. try to imitate me. try to copy my likes and dislikes. try to think the way i do. try to steal my ideas. i'm not being, like, i'm so effing great and everyone wants to be me. but i can tell whether or not someone tries to be me. if you were in my place, wouldn't you be hell annoyed too?? get a life, freak.

if you want my attention, why don't you just talk to me?

i can't seem to let it all go. i feel so bothered right now and i'm not used to this feeling. i'd appreciate someone to talk to. but everyone seems to have gone. like i have left them.

~

starting tonight, i'll be on my own.
when i wake up from nightmares...
when i want someone to hold...
when i whimper in fear...
when i long a comforting kiss...
when i want a lullaby...
when i want someone to whisper 'everything's alright'...
i'll find you nowhere.

~

how sad.

~

i sat under the moonlight, the cold wind gently caressing the grass. it made a low, sad bristling sound. the moon created shadows prancing on the ground, moving where the clouds blew.

there was so much pain. too much that i couldn't even shed a tear. because i had to be strong. strong for someone who needs my strength so much. she hangs by a thread and i would do anything to save her. but one thing i can't ever do, is to push her down the ravine to end her misery.

because i love her. i love her like another half of myself.

~

It's been another forever. Yet time passes by so quickly. Forever has now become just a moment in time. Sometimes, I just want to hang my head down and think endlessly and waste away the forevers that make up my life.


I read my previous entry about Adam Lambert and I laughed. Nothing changed. I still love him even if pictures are scattered everywhere with him kissing other guys. Tss. Like it matters. It doesn't make him any less of a person. And boy, is he amazing. Simply breath-taking, in every sense of the word. I think I'm in love.


To love. Nothing lasts forever. One moment I'm this person, the next, I don't even know who that person is anymore. Funny how  little things that happen in my life can change me so much. Yes, I am crushed by those incidents. And whether I like it or not, it made me a different person. I don't know if it's something to rejoice about, especially after hurting someone I love so much, but being... reborn... (crap, that sounds so weird but I can't find another term to place what I want to say)... it's a different matter. I can't say how. Just is. Like how water is wet, like how birds fly, like how no one lives forever. It just is.


I dreamt of a prince (literally). And how strong my emotions were for him. But in a flash, when I woke up, those feelings hung in dead air and were gone, like a kiss blown in the wind. I honestly felt sad. But who am I to complain for wanting something to return, which actually never even existed in the first place? I would never see him again. I often remember this dream and how I wish I could meet him again in my make-believe world. But that's already me being silly.


I don't have time for this. This petty show of emotions waste my time. I have to go and read. ~

should i let go of you too? i dont want you to leave. even if i dont have my heart with me, i'd feel the pain. the aching, grabbing pain. and the tears will flow. you'll see. you'll see. i'm no longer the sweet being you know me to be. i'm a wall. cold and hard. but i will miss you. and the ache will burn my insides. when you come back for the box, all you will see is your heart. your heart drowning in gold ashes.

~

Oh gosh. I don't believe there can be anyone hotter than him in the season 8 of American Idol. The small capillaries supplying blood to my nose just want to burst every time I get to see him on television. When I wake up every Wednesday and Thursday morning, all I look forward to is watching A.I. in the evening just to catch a glimpse of him. If I die of hemorrhage, there would be a smile on my face.

My heart just fluttered when I watched this vid. A suppressed squeal escaped my lips too. I'm trying so hard not to shout because the people here are already asleep. And here he is, if possible, stronger than caffeine injected into my blood stream.

So what if he is gay? (I don't know if he is for sure.) I don't even understand why people have to talk about it. What's the big deal anyway? He's a great singer. A real prince charming. *drool*

Yummy.

~

Happy New Year.

It's funny. Because I'm anything but happy right now. I've been trying to stop myself from crying. I don't know for what purpose I stop myself. I'm alone anyway... no one would see. To keep a secret; to BE a secret. It's amazing.

What is the sense of having the holiday season when I'm alone? Time to love, time to share. Time to share time with others. It's not time to spend time alone.

It's so hard to breathe when your brain tells you to cease living.

I just want to be happy. To sit with someone I love and then, the ache will be gone.

~

------

I liked sitting by the window every time we went out on a car. I loved the images passing senselessly by. A whir of boring colors. Faces of strangers in a flash. It seems as if I have met them all. In the end, they were senseless too, like every lesson in class I did not understand. Oh, when it rained. To see thousands of droplets up-close, like meeting each one of them as well. I observed them and watched them fuse and fall. And I thought, they could be looking back at me too. They speak to me gently, in pitter-patters, in soft tapping music. I smile back, unable to understand their language, but loved them all the same.

And I think, why am I sad? To have sadness in the heart is tragic. Yet, I diligently water mine like a plant, making it grow, watching it grow, making it flower. Intentionally. It’s almost absurd to be nourishing something that destroys me. But at the same time, it’s amusing. I clap my hands.

One day, I fear I would stand in front of a mirror and see a girl with a black heart standing in the opposite, non-existent world and come out to me. With her sweetest smile, she would push me inside her mirror and break it and wear a fragment of the glass as her pendant on the chain of her neck. Then, she would declare that she’s changed, and she will always carry an old part of herself with her. That would be me.

And indeed, one day, I met a girl who was very much like me. Like the girl in the other side of the mirror, in that daydream I fashioned in my head.

She had a taste of her own misery. The last thing she saw before her father died was his hand as it grabs her in the face, covering her eyes from watching him pull the trigger. She hears a loud bang. But what resonates in her ears, in her head, was not that sound; rather, was the sound of his body falling into the ground with a dull thud.

She was never the same again. She looked at her hand and seemed so fixated by it, drawn to the lines scribbled on her palm. She was dreamily tracing the lines faintly with her finger. These weren’t here yesterday, she muttered, crumpling her forehead, almost frustrated as to why they appear to be migrating somewhat…

In the end, she was in her corner. She loved the solidness of the wall behind her and the reassurance of the cold floor under her feet. That was her world. The ceiling was high, but was nevertheless, her company as well.

She was fixated with her hand, as I was fixated with senseless things. And as fixated as she was with her hand, I was fixated with her. She undoubtedly was doing the most senseless thing a human can ever do. But if that made her senseless too, I wonder.

She was probably surprised to see a tree standing in front of her. Her very own tree of sadness. She didn’t have to water it diligently or watch it and protect it from the caterpillars. It just sprouted out into what seemed to be a very large plant with a huge trunk and with roots strangling the earth. Perhaps, she sat next to it and decided to stay there. Permanently.

I sat next to her. I like the feeling, she told me after a silent moment. I looked at her questioningly but said nothing. I told myself, she probably liked the feeling of being alone, yet I disrupted her privacy, invading the domain she built a fence around she and her precious tree. I shrugged and smiled back at her.

Slowly, my eyes started to bleed with tears. Tears that didn’t know when to stop or how it even started in the first place. Tears that were pushed into birth. Tears that made me want to die. It was cold and harsh. It was lonely. I caught a few drops in my hand and rubbed it. It smelt like salt. It smelt like bitterness. It ached.

My heart throbbed. I clutched at it. Stop, I plead. Please stop.

I wanted to run away. To run and run and find a vast ocean to where I could hurl my heart away. Some mermaid can have it and find use for it and use it to learn how to love humans on land.

A warm, gentle hand held me. I turned to her and found her gazing softly at me. Cry, she whispered, cry until the sadness fades away…no sadness lasts forever.

I threw myself at her arms and cried for what seemed an eternity. Gradually, I heard her heart beat softly, like mellow piano notes in a beautiful, soulful masterpiece. I like the feeling, she repeated. I like the feeling of someone sitting next to me. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. I laughed, and I realized that the tears have chased itself away, like the wind that blew itself into some unknown part of the world. My heart too, seemed to have found solace as it silenced its beats into more controlled piano notes that belonged to a fictional masterpiece of a soulful musician who was similarly unreal.

I have come to realize than human company felt more comforting than the company that mere stars or rain drops can provide.

------

Exit
by Baroque

Riding in the floating boat
My fingertip submerged in the
Cloud I just caught
Cut off by myself at the bottom of the stairway
Forgetting Completely

Riding on the silence
My fingertip in a deep sleep
On the quivering wave's shape
Of the star dancing submerged in the dark sea

Peeking into the wall
Look, at the bottom its tinged with a
Faint
Sky
It's shape buried at the bottom of a box
Forgetting Completely

Softly
On the boat with the box stuffed up with letters

Softly
Gently floating on the waves

Softly
Running away from the earth by myself

Please
Enbrace me

Softly
Become touched by the new star

Softly
Me being watched, by myself

Softly
To the color of a drop of the wavering clouds

Softly
The light that falls from the sky

Please
Cover me up completely

Softly
Lost in the unnoticed darkness

Softly

------

I cried when I first heard this song... Something was very sad about it...
something was very melancholic about the voice that drifted into the air
into my heart.

I don't know what made it sad.

Was it because Baroque is disbanded, never to create beautiful music with
each other again?
Was it because the lyrics are lovely and lonely at the same time?(Funny
how only one letter changes in those 2 mords. From 'v' to 'n'. Yet the
difference it causes is enormous.)
Was it the voice of Ryo, whom I dearly love so much? When I watched the
video, I saw him cry. And I wanted to reach out to the screen and wipe his
tears away.

Or is it because I really am sad, despite what the music's affect to me is?

Maybe.

But I love it, all the same.
 *Sorry about the grammar. I'm not really a master at it, after all.

--------

Softly... by myself... 

------ 

Aqua Timez - Niji (Rainbow)

It’s all right, look up again
All right; look! The seven-colored bridge
At last we laugh under the same sky

It’s time to fasten the shoelace
The wind pushes our back
Beyond the light that spilled by the sky
let’s continue to sketch that dream

Inside our left chests our hearts beat fast
The hope and anxiety strike the pulse
I hope that it’s really all right
All mood’s continue exceeding, I wonder

It’s all right, look up again
All right; look! The seven-colored bridge
The tears are sunk and hanged in the sky
Hey, seems like, looked from afar place
I could see you as well, when the same
two skies now have become one
At last we laugh under the same sky

Separately we’re waiting the sky to be born
The sky that reflects our memory
For you there’s your own story
and the existence of my unknown tears
If, by some chance, I laugh at the right time
your crying may come to a light
The similar joy will exist, however
the same sadness will fail

With the word that bordering the future by “promise”
we fix the decoration
You want the certain tomorrow
surely more than anyone

The surrounding season’s one sad moment
that sad as usual
it wouldn’t turn into happiness so fast
It’s all right, from this place and then
It’s all right, nowhere to angry
Yet the time starts running with you

“In the world without tears too,
will the bridge still hang there?”
In the barrier, the carved graffiti
will be properly similar with somebody’s hand-writing
With the sadness that was kept away
You built the bridge
However, now while throwing the umbrella, let’s close our eyes

It’s all right…

It’s all right, look up again
All right; look! The seven-colored bridge
The tears finished sinking in your sky
Hey, seems like, looked from the brilliant color
I could see you as well, when the same
so-called bond named rainbow is hanged
thus, while the two sky finally, finally
becoming one
It travels to us

--------

I really like this song. I easily get attached to songs. Thanks to Evil Berry for introducing the song to me. And thanks to Hollow Slayer Kurosaki for the translation.
 

I wonder... of the thousand of tears that I've cried recently, will they be able to form a rainbow after all...?

Sheesh.

Typing that made my heart ache. Oh, the heartaches. I'm still under the rain, alone, with my black umbrella, my boots submerged in a pool of raindrops. I'm looking around. The coldness surrounds me. I long for you. Yet, I don't know what to answer first. I want you to know. He's such a liar.

Oh, the heartaches.

---